Blatter Set to Return to Hell

Sepp Blatter DevilIt has been confirmed that Sepp Blatter, one time head of FIFA, will be returning to hell. In a Wednesday night ‘Tell all’ press conference he said, ‘My time on earth has been remarkable, but I know where I belong.’
In recent weeks rumors that Blatter’s eyes glowed after sunset had been circulating on the internet, leading some to conclude that he was of demonic origin. FIFA rubbished these claims as, ‘hateful and unsubstantiated.’
Then a concierge at an up-market Cape Town hotel, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that Mr. Blatter jumped on his bed every night, ‘even though we asked him not to’. On the morning of checkout she found that his sheets were covered with cloven hoofmarks. ‘The very ones that belong to… il Diablo’ she screamed, before bursting into tears and making the sign of the cross.
Alfred Beiterdam an ex-schoolmate of Blatter’s says, ‘I don’t know why everyone is so surprised. Sepp’s full name is Sepultramatus, which means Horned One in Latin. When he was young he didn’t bother hiding it.’ Beiterdam then produced an old school photo in which Blatter’s horns, growing through a thick head of hair, are clearly visible.
‘It was Fifa who suggested he have them removed’ Beiterman claims. ‘After the operation all his hair fell out. Sepp was very angry about this and burnt down the hospital.’
Then on Wednesday night Mr. Blatter called the press conference in which he admitted that he was the third son of Lucifer. ‘I am not ashamed of who I am. My first name is Seupultramatus, and my surname is Satan. Horned Devil is another name for me. Others call me Son of the Morning Star. In South African my father’s close followers call me Zola 6.’
He then admitted to having mastered the art of plunder and deceit before closing the ceremony by dipping his fingers in holy water to make smoke. ‘Isn’t this cool?’ he asked the audience. ‘It’s like that movie with Al Pacino.’
After the press conference Jacob Zuma was asked if he would have supported the world cup coming to South Africa if he’d known that Blatter was the son of the devil.
‘He is not a devil’ said Zuma. ‘These are rumors started by the foreign media!’
When it was explained to Zuma that Blatter had admitted to being the son of Satan, he said, ‘Ag man! We are just friends. He didn’t put that money in my bank account!’

Nihonjinron

Japanese MountainsJapanese

Japan finds itself in a situation of stagnation that can only be turned around by massive economic revitalization. Because of the rapidly decreasing population the only answer to the problem would be immigration. To keep the economy steady at current rates over 300 000 immigrants would be required each year, and to keep it at 1995 levels over 500 000. Is Japan going to open up its borders and allow mass immigration? Not a fuck!

I do not think that everyone in Japan holds the exact same opinion on this (or any) issue, but I think I could safely say that 19¾ out of every 19 ½ Japanese given the chance to vote in a secret poll would be against the motion to allow (yes, I do realize it’s a mathematical anomaly). To many this would be the equivalent of putting a large bullet through the collective identity’s cranium, and in a truly stubborn, insane, almost admirably deluded fashion the nation would rather sink as itself than stay afloat as something else.

But why is it that the Japanese are so famous for keeping the rest of the world out, and is there anything that can be said in favour of hardened anti-immigration policies and staunch mono-culturalism? There are two sources from which the belief that Japan must be kept purely Japanese stem. The one is voodoo, the other, perhaps with some merit, is a response to observation of the outside world.

The voodoo view is something called日本人論 (Nihonjinron), which translates as Japanese people theories. It is a body of literature that has been around for centuries, and reached its peak during the 1960s and 1970s when Japan’s economic power was peaking. Nihonjinron focuses on the essential ‘differentness’ of the Japanese. As Japan is an island country separate from mainland Asia, and thus geographically and later during the 鎖国令 Sakoku, or closed country period enforceably isolated from the rest of the world, the inhabitants are of a select, differentiated blood line. Depending on the state of the nation Nihonjinron sways between a belief that the Japanese are inherently better than the rest of the world, and that they are unfortunately flawed. Although many modern Japanese may not have even heard of Nihonjinron, it is religious in nature, unquestioned and deeply rooted. It still holds major sway here. In modern Japan it is evidenced in two ways. Firstly it comes out in questions like, ‘In Japan teenagers want to be a part of the group, how about in your country?’ Essentially, a confusion or conflation of human nature and ‘Japanese nature’. Secondly, the lines between culture and genetics are blurred. So, for example, using chop-sticks, doing Japanese calligraphy, or learning Kanji would be considered essentially easier for someone of Japanese descent. ‘Don’t worry, even Japanese people struggle with that’ is a common phrase of encouragement when learning a ‘Japanese skill.’ So if the Nihojin and the other country people are so fundamentally different, then allowing hoards of the other people into the country would be a recipe for implosion and catastrophe.

Secondly there is the traditionally ethnically homogenous nature of the country. Some articles will say that Japan is no longer really an ethnically homogenous nation, but really, in practical day to day life, it is. In most of the modern ‘free world’ diversity is spoken about as an unquestioned good. But, I would argue that people are less in favour of diversity than they think. No one, for example, is in favour of moral diversity. Living next door to a paedophile or a man who likes to masturbate on his lawn, would get few people talking about the wonders of diversity. Native English speakers perhaps often forget that other people have had to learn their language in order to interact in a mixed society. Something as seemingly small as this can be a stressful and tiring process. Different understandings of practices and varied rankings of values, different claims over history, land, identity are all a real part of multi-cultural societies. In South Africa for example millions of manhours are spent dividing people into race and ethnic groups and formulating policies along these lines. We just need look at Russia to see the problems that arise from ethnic minorities wanting independence from the main state. Most of us who grew up in multi-ethnic societies would not trade the experience for anything. And in fact, this homogenous society sometimes seems like something from a sci-fi movie. But, coming from the other side, having known nothing else, the Japanese fear of multi-culturalism, although not excusable, is understandable.

So, what happens? In fifty years time Japan may well not be a place that foreigners will be easily attracted to. Today it still is. By the time the crisis is real, it will be too late to solve it. Ultimately, it seems that the island nation will choose to sink quietly (and yes slowly) into obscurity, eventually perhaps fading off the world stage. It would rather keep its ‘uniqueness’ than reinvigorate its economy. A hardened stubbornness perhaps, but then I always find that Japanese people are like that. Or is that just people?

Malema: Creating a society free of racism

Malema Laughing

Julius Malema threw a BBC journalist out of a media conference yesterday, telling him,

`Not to bring his white tendencies here! `

Malema however claims that he is not a racist.

`I was referring to the tendency of the white person to have a pink skin` he said.

He was unfortunately not available to explain what he meant by this comment as in the early hours of the morning he shot his cellphone, mistaking it for what his spokesman described as a `Very small farmer.`

`That whitey badly provoked Julius` his spokesman Panga `One Bullet` Masinga, said in a statement. `He was sitting there with his white face. Can you get more racist than that? `

Julius was so upset by this terrible provocation that he was forced to drink three bottles of Johnny Walker Blue Label. Towards the end of the third bottle Mr. Malema realized that `This Walker person had probably been a whitey and therefore a racist.` explained Masinga, `that was the reason that the whisky had been forcing itself down his throat and making him become drunk! `

He then took his Range Rover and drove it into a nearby wall.

`This is a classic example of Colonial racism` Panga explained. `Both the whisky and the Rover are British things made by racists. What’s more the wall he crashed into was white. For those who still refuse to see the truth, I say this – you will be shot! You bloody racist! `

What plans did Malema have for the near future?

`Mr. Malema is determined to create a society free of racism. As we know all whites are racist. Therefore, the quickest way to create a society free of racism is to get rid of all the white people. `

Malema and Mugabe…

Malema EatingA close source who wished to remain anonymous for what he said were ‘obvious reasons’ claims to have had inside access to some of the recent meetings that took place between Mugabe and Malema.

‘Most of the time they were discussing interior design’ he said. ‘Remember that Mugabe has been in the game for a long time and Malema is only just starting out.’

Mugabe who presides over the 193rd largest economy in the world, prides himself on having rid his country of Colonialists. Zimbabwe’s GDP is 1.9 billion dollars per annum while it is rumored that Mugabe has many billions stacked away in offshore bank accounts making him wealthier than everyone else in the country combined.

‘This is the kind of thing they were discussing’ said our source.

‘Mugabe explained that the word colonialism is like 9/11. As long as you keep reminding people about it you can do whatever you want.’

Robert MugabeMalema who owns two multi-million rand apartments was evidently impressed by the old man’s stories.

‘I now know what I can achieve’ he said. ‘I just have to work hard and keep my head up high. I particularly liked his collection of pinstriped suits, and am considering growing one of those cool moustaches that he has.’

Mugabe apparently scolded Malema over his weight.

‘Look at me’ he said. ‘I am an old man, but I am thin. You are young, but you are fat. Do you not go for runs?’

Malema apparently apologized to Mugabe for his overweight appearance and promised that he would take better care of himself in the future.

After they were finished discussing interior designs, Mugabe showed Malema his fleet of automobiles and asked him if he’d like to take one for a spin. Malema was apparently very excited about the opportunity, and felt badly let down when he learnt that there were no roads beyond Mugabe’s gate. ‘It is disappointing, yes’ Malema said.

The two men then watched Batman together on Mugabe’s private movie screen. After this Mugabe unveiled his plans to launch a computer game called, ‘Control and Confuse’ in which you play the part of a leader who has to try and steal everything from his people while at the same time taking control of the media and convincing the people that he is on their side.

‘This game is very cool’ said Malema. ‘I want to build myself a big cinema in my house, and mine will have a Jacuzzi too! Then I will play this game every night with my friends. This is why I came to learn from the best!’

AWB And the 20th Century

AWB Meeting

Much of South Africa was shocked a few nights ago when the AWB`s secretary general Andre Visagie stormed off the set of Africa 360. In a statement released by the AWB last night their new spokesman Piet van Klapman said,

`This thing have been blown in the wrong direction. On André’s farm the ousie brings him his tea and melktert and never looks him amongst the eyes. Now here she is telling him what are what.`

When it was explained that the woman on Africa 360 was not Visagie`s domestic worker but political analyst Lebohang Pheko, Klapman said,

`But to Visagie she happened to look very similar. He made a mistake.`

Klapman explained that Visagie was `Very confused. He found himself wondering why he was explaining himself to his garden boy and cleaning girl. While in his own kitchen!`

Visagie apparently then noticed a wire attached to his body and believed that he was under surveillance from the `Swart Gevaar`. He hastily de-miked himself and stormed out onto the street. Not however before explaining to Pheko that he was not finished with her.

`What he meant by this` Van Klapman said, `Was that she would not be receiving sweet cake on Friday. That is standard punishment on the Visagie farm if the girl does not address him as Baas.`

Later that night Visagie narrowly escaped death when he drove his ox-wagon through a red traffic light in down town Johannesburg. A bottle of Klippies was found on the back seat.

`You must understand` said Van Klapman, `That these red lights can like to confuse Visagie. On the farm he haven`t yet been finding them. Procedures are under way to help him make the adaption to the new 20th Century!`

Apartheid

TRC

Note – I don’t like the reference to people in terms of race, be it ‘the whites’ or ‘the blacks’ or whatever. Where I use these terms I do so as they are commonly used in – particularly South African – society.

A few days ago two students came into the English room office at my school and asked if they could speak to me. This is by no means an unusual request and of course I was obliging. One of the girls then took out her electronic English Japanese dictionary, and said to me ‘We wanted to know what you think about this…’ and pointed to the word ‘Apartheid’.

‘Where did you hear about this?’ I asked.

‘In world history.’

‘Uh-ha. Well, I’m afraid there is no simple answer to the question “what do you think about apartheid?”’

I did not feel angry about being asked. In fact, since travelling and living abroad, I’ve grown used to people associating South Africa with Apartheid. I’ve found that people have generally heard two things about South Africa – Apartheid and Mandela. They know that both exist – what the relationship is, and in what order they affected control over the country is less known. For example, it is common for people to still ask ‘Are black people allowed to go to any school they want?’ I was once in a conversation with an American and a New Zealander in which the American asked the New Zealander ‘Are Maoris prejudiced against in New Zealand?’

‘Yes’ she said looking over at me, ‘But not as badly as the blacks are prejudiced against in South Africa!’

‘Well’ I wanted to say, ‘How is your third Maori president doing? Is he disappointed that – unlike his predecessor – he missed a two third majority vote from the 78 percent of the country that is Maori and voted him in?’

But I didn’t say that.

I muttered something like, ‘You do know we’ve had an ANC government for sixteen years?’

‘Yay Obama’ said the American guy ‘We now have a black president!’

Well – I wanted to say – but again didn’t – there is a difference between having a single black man at the top and having a country where the entire government – bar a handful – are black, where big business is black, where the mainstream media is black, where popular culture is black, where the economy is driven by the black middle class! Despite their failings, I believe that the ANC government’s greatest achievement (and it is an achievement) has been creating this very middle class that drives the new South Africa. And yet, outside of the country – in fact often inside it as well – this is not acknowledged, not accepted. And so, as a South African living abroad one often has to face down the pre-conceived notion that one is a racist.

It is difficult to explain that ‘We aren’t all that way!’ I would like to tell people that my parents, and grandparents on both sides were strongly anti-apartheid and that my father’s father was one of the founding members of the progressive party – the back then legal alternative to the ANC, or PAC. That my other grandfather, quit working as a public prosecutor because he did not feel it was right to prosecute people found guilty under Apartheid laws. I would like to tell people how distinctly I remember a day as a young child asking my mother who Mandela was, and her telling me that he was a great man! I would like people to know this about me before I have to tell them.

But unfortunately this will never be the case.

And so, I took the two students aside, sat them down and started trying to explain what Apartheid was, writing key notes on one of the student’s pages as I went along.

When I got to the part about the pass book laws, I saw some confusion in their eyes. Without pausing for more than a second I reached into my pocket took out my wallet and removed from it my ‘Gaijin Card’ which as a foreigner living in Japan I am required to carry on me at all times. ‘Kind of like this’ I said.

‘Ah ha’ they said.

To them this was a simple comparison. Using a card to show them what a card was. For me, the irony was deeper. Here I was in the year 2010 living in a country where ‘Gaijin’ have to carry passbooks and display them to police on request, being asked about the famously oppressive laws of my country – that ended before I was old enough to know what they were.

But I smiled and put my Gaijin Card back in my pocket.

What is it about Japan? And what is it about South Africa? And what is it about the world?

Japan has the somewhat dubious reputation as being the most homogenous nation on earth, with 98.5 % of the population being ‘Ethnic Japanese’. The other 1.5 % is comprised of ‘Ethnic Koreans’ and ‘Ethnic Chinese’. These people are legally classified as foreigners even though they were born inside Japan to parents who were born inside Japan, have often never been to Korea or China and speak only Japanese. Short of sending them to live in Bantustans and throwing them out of windows for not answering questions, this is Apartheid!

So how is it that something like this receives relatively little international recognition, while Apartheid is so much a part of the universal consciousness that it has become an adjective, usable to describe situations that are like or represent this oppressive system?

This article is not about Japan’s attitude towards ‘foreigners’ and so I will not dwell on it.

What I would like to know is why and how does the apartheid badge of shame continue to live on? In my estimation there are three answers to this question. The first two have to do with why it lives on it South Africa, and the second with why it lives on outside South Africa.

Firstly, Apartheid was such a horrendous system that the scars it bore cannot disappear overnight. Because we had the TRC (Truth and Reconciliation Commission) and because we celebrated the re-birth of our rainbow nation in 1994, we thought that we could move on right away, dust ourselves off and get on with the job. As such, there is a resentment (particularly amongst white people) to even speak about apartheid or its affects, and an annoyance at it being blamed for modern day problems in the country. The truth is, that expecting the country to be fine just because we had an election and a commission is like thinking that a rape victim who says ‘all right’ when asked how she’s doing, can be shouted at the next day for not getting on with her life as normal.

Secondly, certain factions within the country (certainly not all or even most people in positions of power, but enough to warrant mentioning) benefit from keeping the memory alive. Any form of new prejudice can be justified by a referral to Apartheid. Arguments can be silenced. Figures can be completely distorted and often not even offered. For example I often read articles and have heard people speak about ‘The white dominated media’. I have produced content for the SABC. They control nearly all the radio and television in the country. They are completely black run. Yes, they are a puppet. But the hand that controls them is black too. The ‘White controlled’ this and that is a very common theme. Often it is true! But, often it is not! And going against it is going against a certain orthodoxy that holds that the white man still runs the South of Africa.

And finally, the reason why it stays alive outside of the country. I attended a thanks giving lunch towards the end of last year, and I was pleased – not surprised though – that a few of my American friends mentioned the dark irony that underlies the ‘Thanks giving’ holiday. That being, of course, that the kind Indians who brought the pilgrims food would later by massacred by the same pilgrims. But, the point is, every country has a dark history. When it comes to the place of European worldly adventures (and Japanese Oriental adventures for that matter) there is no exception.

If we take New Zealand, Australia, America and South Africa, where does the white racist come from? He comes from South Africa of course. He is after all responsible for the oppression of the natives in this country.

All four of these countries had native populations when Europeans arrived. In America the native population was virtually eradicated. In New Zealand and Australia they were stripped of their land and to this day hold very little political power. All three of these countries have white majorities. South Africa does not. Only seven percent of the population is white. They live in Africa, in a black run country, for the most part rather contently. But they are useful – in social terms at least – to the international community. They form a perfect example of the other. The racist. The one who did what the others did not. And by being white but being openly against the racist actions of some other whites – some far off strange different whites who live at the end of Africa – one can reap the benefits conveyed by one’s violent forefathers, and still be a high minded liberal. One can enjoy without conscience. Because, after all, you’re different. And it wasn’t you, it was them!

Only Child Syndrome

Eric Cartman

Warning Only ChildI am an only child. When I tell this to people, I can expect a stock standard response. Surprise, even shock. The less couth of my fellow citizens will even say, what is, I fear, on many other’s minds: ‘So you must have been spoilt as a kid?’
I grew up with – and have remained aware of – the list of negative personality traits associated with only children. Selfish. Spoilt. Unable to interact with others, or take jokes. Lonely. Isolated. Difficult. Stubborn. Always expecting everything to go their way, and having great difficulty sharing!
The only child grew up without siblings coming into their room and taking their toys. They never had to share their food with anyone, or vie for their parents love and affection. As such they grew up twisted, tormented, unable to integrate themselves into society. Doomed to live as outcasts and social misfits, with bad manners and unpredictable tempers!
So when asked the question ‘Oh, so you must have been spoilt then?’ – and taking it to imply all the other negative perceptions of the only child – I would always answer, ‘No, I don’t think so.’

I have never found myself in constant conflict with others. I am able to take a harsh joke (perhaps this has to do with the fact that I was dealt the double as a kid: an only child and a ginger!) I can see the need for compromise. And sometimes I will even share things with people!
So then, what could possibly explain my condition? Had I cheated the odds? Had my parents somehow managed to sail me clear of this devastating coast? Had the universe preserved me as a counter example? Whatever it was, I was relieved I had been spared a fate so harsh that it had been labeled a syndrome!
As I had always placed myself outside of the norm, I had never given too much consideration to the norm itself, and as such had never seen it for what it quite clearly is: a blatant prejudice. In an age in which we are so sensitized to discrimination and ethnic prejudice it is startling to take note of the variety of other – more subtle prejudices – which are allowed to flourish.
Imagine a civilized gathering. A mutual friend introduces a black man to a white man, and the white man says to the black man, ‘Oh, so does that mean you steal?’ He would – quite rightly – be ostracized for being an ignorant, racist, moron. But, if this same person was introduced to someone who turned out to be an only child and he said, ‘Oh, so does that mean you were spoilt?’ no one would bat an eyelid.
In civilized society we need to be vigilant against racial and ethnic stereotyping because of the untold and unnecessary suffering it has caused the human race. Only children have never been singled out for the kind of treatment that certain races and ethnicities have been subjected to. However, as the human consciousness develops – which I believe it is – we must become aware of these more subtle prejudices which are still considered fair game, and do what we can to address them.

Interestingly, this prejudice against only children has its roots in similar places to those more deadly prejudices mentioned above. That being outdated philosophies, academia, and general thinking. In the not so distant past, it was considered self-evidenced that certain races were superior to others. Anthropologists measured skulls, and drew diagrams explaining the superior workings of certain races brains. Visionary nitwits like Hendrik Verwoerd wrote the pioneering work, ‘Verwoerd aan die Woord’ Verwoerd on the Word in which he gave biblical justification for racial separation and helped lay the frameworks for the apartheid state. Adolf Hitler whilst having a bit of me time in prison wrote the infamous ‘Mein Kampf’ in which he argued for racial eugenics, an idea that ultimately lead to the holocaust.
Another man interested in racial eugenics – the breeding in and out of certain racial qualities – was a psychologist named G. Stanley Hall (1844-1924). Have a read up on only children and his name is bound to emerge. He described the only child’s situation as being ‘a disease in itself’, and believed that the only child possessed most of the undesirable traits listed above. A contemporary of his, Alfred Adler, held similar views. These two men were pioneering psychologists. But they were pioneering for their day, and much of what they believed would today be considered highly inaccurate. Some of this thinking (the idea of racial eugenics for instance) has been subjected to heavy criticism because of the evident damage it has caused society. Other ideas (although equally as outdated – like the thinking on only children) has never been subjected to continuous public scrutiny, and so continues to hang out in the collective mindset.
During this abovementioned time, the era of Victorian hangover, when sparing the rod was thought to spoil the child, human contact between mother and baby and mother and child was believed to be undesirable. A child who received too much attention from their parents, and particularly their mother would grow up to be weak. Later experiments – famously Harlow’s Rhesus monkey experiments – began to pave the way for a different view on child rearing. A child who grew up with the support of their parents would feel more confident to explore the world around them, knowing that they had a safe base to which they could return. One on one parent and child time is today considered essential for childhood development, and children who’s parents afford them this often grow into successful adults.
Modern psychological findings have in fact shown that only children are not uniformly different from their peers. Where there are notable differences – achievement motivation and verbal skills – the only child scores higher than his sibling endowed counterparts. These advantages are quite clearly as a direct result of the extra time and energy that an only child’s parents are able to afford them.

And what if it is not the parental issue, but the actual absence of siblings that is the problem? What aspect would cause deficiency? Human beings are super social species. I cannot remember a day as a child when I did not interact with other members of my species: at school, in sports practices, playing at friends’ houses (I’ve never had any difficulty making friends). As an adult – unless you live somewhere in deliverance country – it is unlikely that you will only be interacting with members of your family. Hence this outside interaction is ample preparation for the adult world. But what of the sibling rivalry, the chance to bully or be bullied? Again, this is another outdated, semi-Neanderthal form of thinking. The idea that a child should suffer any sort of physical pain, and in turn inflict it on others (because the world is like that).
And again, for hardened cynics, the only child will be confronted with enough hardships at school – doubled by the fact that he has no siblings to turn to for support. He will also have to deal with the fact that he is different in this regard (rest assured it will be pointed out on numerous occasions).
So, in the end, what is really lost? I think that all only children grow up acutely aware of some absence. In a sense each only child must overcome a death of someone who never existed. But this loss is theirs alone, and is not a burden that society must or can share. And what is gained? Increased contact with parents. A strong sense of self. The ability to be alone and emotionally self reliant. A well developed imagination. And a deep respect for non familial relationships that are formed.
So, is there any sense in asking an only child if they were spoilt? It probably won’t lead to a holocaust. But, prejudices tend to hang out in packs. Allow one refuge in your mind, and others will soon take residence. Ban one, and ban them all! Amandla!

Ryan Air Blues

Ryan-AirA flight from London to Stockholm?
Free.
And back again?
Free.
So you’re saying I can fly from London to Stockholm, back to London again and pay nothing?
Free.

Ok. I’ll take it then please.
That’ll be forty eight pounds.
I thought you said it was free.
What are you kidding? You think you can fly from london to Stockholm and back again for nothing. Are you stupid?
OK fine I’ll take it anyway.
Forty pounds for a bag. Ten pounds booking fee.
Total: 98 pounds.

Congratulations on booking a flight on Ryanair. Please read the terms and conditions below:

Terms and conditions:
All passengers flying Ryanair must abide by the general rules of civil aviation.
They must also abide by certain other rules laid down by Ryanair and changed from time to time.
Ryanair is an (un)authorized flying insititution.
We do not take responsibility for anything.
There’s a reason why we are so cheap.
Fuck you.
You will be penalized for something, we will find a way to penalize you.
Ryanair can shut down at any point without prior notice.
You will not be refunded.
The airport can move without prior notice.
Ryanair does not have toilets.
You can not get a refund.
If you try to get a refund we will fine you for trying.
If you arrive late you will be shot, and your family will be responisble for all costs incurred.
Fuck you.
If you wish to wear shoes you will be charged.
If the pilot is horny he might rape you, and if you press charges you will be shot and charged extra.
The flight leaves at six in the morning, be there four days early for pre-booking.
When we said London to Stockholm we meant ‘London’ to ‘Stockholm’ ;-)
The airports are in fact unused industrial ports in the remote countryside.
There is only a remote chance of you making it to your destination.
We do not have offices.
If you wish to contact us you can phone our call centre, which operates between 14h00 and 14h30 every alternate Saturday.
Calls are charged at standard Ryanair rates*
Fuck you.

* calls charged at 150 pounds per minute. If you are unable to pay Ryanair reserves the right to conviscate your
moveable and immoveable propery**

** Fuck you!

So I had officially joined the ranks of the millions who have booked flights online for Europe’s famous low cost, NO FRILLS
airline! To be fair, they really are very cheap. Ya.

After countless hassles I arrived at the ‘London’ ;-) airport at four am. There were thousands and thousands of people
queuing for flights, and I finally understood what the term Eurotrash meant. I kept trying not to be prejudiced against
these people. But it was difficult. Ryanair follows a sort of kafkaesque policy. They have no offices, the call centres
are inaccessible, and they keep to the outskirsts of major cities, laying low. There’s a constant
sense of menace about them. Like the threats in Kafka’s stories, it’s invisible, hard to pin down. There’s simply an
everpresent sense of doom as thousands of humans stand about confused, afraid, angry, as they get stamped,
checked, scanned, waid, sprayed down, packed into trucks and crammed into planes made out of plastic.

Because the airport is the first place anyone has face to face contact with the company, frustration is at an all time high.
There are constant arguments between patrons and employees. The employees all have copies of the ‘rules’ with them
and make a point of waving them in the patrons’ faces. ‘No ma’am I’m afraid the captain is allowed to rape you. Look here.’

But anyway, I finally took my seat. I was so crammed that my face was between my legs. Thankfully I’d managed to find
a seat on the isle with a free chair between me and the guy at the window. I hadn’t slept in days and my eyes were heavy
and sore and the idea of sleep – even in this position – was amazing!

But the world had other plans for me. I’d thought I was the last person to board the plane. But I wasn’t.
Coming down the isle, was a fat, red faced, puffy Quasimodo.
‘Mind if I sit next to you then?’ He asked me, with a big stupid smile on his face.
‘Umm…’ I said.
‘Would you mind shifting up then?’ He asked.
‘I kind of want to sit on the Isle’ I said, as I climbed up to let this orge take the seat in the middle.
He smelt as if he’d been kept in a barrel of cider for the night.
I was so disappointed.
‘Allo’ He said. ‘My name’s John.’
‘Michael’ I said, and shook his hand with great sadness in my heart.
‘I’m ten hours late for work’ he said.
He had this big round face, and large gaps between his teeth that looked as if they’d been filled with boiled egg. His
breath was intoxicating.
‘So where you from?’
‘South Africa.’
I thought then about Kulula, South Africa’s answer to low cost air travel. It seemed like a distant dream. A lovely distant dream.
Their phrase when launching had been ‘Now anyone can fly.’
And as I sat next to this stinking monster, I believed the phrase was more appropriate to ryanair: ANYONE can fly. And they do.
I only wished they’d taken the trouble to stick to some of their conditions and shot him on arrival!
Why?!?!
‘So Souf Africa hey.’ He shrugged again, in this strange way, where he kept raising his eyebrows and his
mouth again and again, and shrugging some more. ‘Souf Africa.Where in Souf Africa?’
‘Johannesburg’.
I looked away.
‘Johannesburg hey. So what you going to Sweden for?’
‘Got family there.’
‘I’m going for work. I was meant to be fere yesterday, missed my flight. So I’m ten hours. No two days and
ten hours late for work.’
I’m sure they’re missing you, I wanted to say. But instead I closed my eyes mid conversation (or rather mid monologue).
‘I guess you want to be left alone then’ he said.
‘Ummm’ I mumbled.
‘Oright, I’ll leave you alone then. I can see you want your peace.’
I closed my eyes, and for a few moments, drifted peacefully through blackness, floating gently. All the difficulties
of the world seemed far away, and even though I was being forced to rub the top of my head against my groin due to the
standard Ryanair flight conditions, I was comfortable.
‘So Johannesburg’ he said.
Oh Jesus Christ!!!

As we flew, I continued to ignore him and he continued to try and talk to me. Often interjecting
his already stupid monologue with ‘How long we been flying for? Feels like we been flying for hours!’
I began to realize that he suffered from some or other condition. In days gone by he would have been called ‘the village idiot’. But today
some more PC term would need to be applied. Special. Very.
But I didn’t care how special he was. I wanted him dead. I started thinking about the different ways in which
I would like to kill him. I settled on the idea of a gardening fork. The small, hand held type. I imagined lunging
it into his chest, and watching him buckle over. I wanted to slice his throat and use the little cup I’d been given
with my water, bought at standard Ryanair rates*** to catch the blood, so I could drink it as a potion to give
me energy to rape the pilot.
NO!!! These were dark thoughts. But it was not my fault. It was Ryanair! If you fly aboard an airline that endorces
rape and murder as policy, how can you be blamed for thinking like this!

It was hot, and I was in pain.
‘Feel like we’ve been flying forever. How long we been flying for?’
Everytime one of the flight attendants came past they bumped my knees which were
now sticking out into the walkway to prevent them from going gangrenous. The village idiot bubbled on, his breath
was making me ill.
‘How long we been flying for?’

Finally we landed. I ran through customs, and fetched my bag. I ran onto the bus. I found a seat next to someone
who didn’t want to talk.

As we started the thirty nine hour drive from ‘Stockholm’ ;-) to the city centre, I heard that familiar ‘oright mate’ drunken
voice that had tormented me on board the flight. He had found a Swedish woman to harrass. I turned around. She wasn’t
even sitting next to him, but a row in front. He was shouting at her, asking her all sorts of questions. Being a polite
Swede, she answered them. But soon said, in her polite Swedish voice: ‘I’m going to sleep now, and you should too.’
He objected, but soon, I think, he must have. And I – I think – must have too.

*** Fuck you!

Mike Rands